My goal as a Couples Therapist is to create enough safety in your relationship that you may open up and be truly vulnerable with each other.
I will point out the attack-withdraw pattern a lot, because the pattern is the enemy– not the other partner. Eventually we will come to understand what lies beneath the criticism, anger and withdrawal that characterize The Pattern. When we are able to accept, acknowledge and express our attachment fears to an accessible, response and engaged partner we feel heard, we feel seen, we feel known. We don’t feel alone anymore. We feel connected in such a way that we no longer need to fight, withdraw or criticize to secure the connection. It’s right there in the open, and you can trust it and you can trust each other with it.
If you’re anything like me, you have been told time and time again that independence is a virtue. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that we alone are the masters of our fate; that we must manifest our destinies alone, that needing others is a weakness. Intimacy, emotional connectedness and mutual vulnerability have tumbled to the bottom of the list of priorities. It’s hard for many of us to admit that, in fact, we need each other to survive. Without a securely attached partner of some kind, we become anxious, depressed, dysregulated, vulnerable and afraid. In couples counseling, I consider your partner to be your primary attachment figure; the one that makes you feel safe in the world. Our unconscious attachment brain yearns for mutual emotional accessibility, responsiveness and engagement to feel safe and supported. If we don’t get it from our partner, we do everything in our power to make sure the connection is still there- including fight for it.
Do you seem to have the same fight over and over again? It always ends the same, one, both or all partners feel attacked and criticized, so they withdraw or shutdown. At the same time, the other is pushing, pushing, pushing for a connection, or to at least make sure the connection is there. The more one withdraws, the more the other pushes for some connection- any connection. At least if someone is angry with you, you know they care enough to be angry.